Grateful

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As per my usual Saturday routine, I headed over to Grumpy's house for my weekly study session.

Up till Thursday, I was still ignoring Grumpy, but felt in a better mood later on at night to start replying to his messages.

All was well, until he decided to go MIA on me just as I was heading to class. In my mind, I was totally going wtf and despite his numerous calls which I eventually ignored, I walked to class myself, fuming on the way.

I was really mad, but Grumpy turned up in my class unexpectedly, which did catch me by surprise lah tbh. He knew that I was really angry because I don't usually ignore his calls, so he walked all the way down from Raffles to placate me. I couldn't find the heart to be that heartless to him anymore lol. He knows that his presence brings much joy to me, so he made himself physically available, even if it was just a short 30 minutes and he had to rush back to OT afterwards. My cold war ended with him, so since we didn't see much of each other over the past week, we just talked about how our past week had been.

My poor cat had been so tied up with work that he even had to OT till my class was over (at 10.30 pm), after which we went home together. ;)

Yesterday, him knowing that I was craving McDonald's scrambled egg burger, got me one when I headed down to his house. He sure knows the way to my heart lol.

When night fell, I decided to tell him what made me so mad at him over the past 2-3 days (please see my previous post which was written when I had PMS LOL), even if I wasn't angry with him anymore. He then assured me that it would only be for this time period as he is now juggling a few projects concurrently, and that they are currently shorthanded as a few people have been told to leave.

When all these pass, he assured me that I would be his first priority and he would make sure that he would set time aside for me once we move in together.

Now that Grumpy knows what usually triggers my unhappiness and moodiness, hopefully he'll be more 醒目 lol.

A reminder to myself not to take Grumpy for granted.

PMS rants

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I do think that I'm prone to suffering from PMS, and my mood swings do get really bad. The person who gets the brunt of it will inevitably be him. Strange how I treat the rest of the people whom I get into contact with normally (I think, at least I don't feel the rage rising up within my body), but when it comes to him, everything about him pisses me off so badly, especially in the days leading up to my period.

I tried to read up on the cause of my unexplainable rage whenever I think of him, and I think I finally got my answer. It is actually due to daily occurrences which I feel he can do with some changes here and there, but while these bothered me, they didn't bother me enough to actually make me rage during normal days.

Now that my period is here, everything is amplified many folds, including the daily occurrences. How he is not dedicating enough time to me, why isn't he doing certain actions to me when I see the romantic things that my friends' SO have done for them, and the list of dissatisfaction just goes on.

I'm not sure if I'm just needy af or what, but seeing each other for less than 2 hours during weekdays when we both work in the same area is normal meh? I usually go over to his house on Saturdays to STUDY (for real OK) and with his mum around, we obviously don't have any couple time at all, save for the time he sends me home. As we both live in opposite ends of SG, he only sends me back halfway since it would take around 2 hours for him to get back to and fro.

I have no doubt that he loves me; he checks up on me from time to time and sends me encouraging messages even when I'm completely ignoring him 'cos whatever he does just makes my blood boil during this period. But hor, I really doubt that I'm his only love.

He treats work damn seriously, and his first instinct would be to reply the email that pops up on his Outlook app, no matter the occasion. Of course, being with someone who is damn driven can be a good thing lah, but I always end up playing second fiddle to his work, even when we're on holidays together. He'd either end up replying emails or replying his NUMEROUS WhatsApp messages even if he was in the midst of talking to me. It is during times like these that I totally feel invisible in his life.

Even when I want to feel his reassuring hug just to make myself feel better, I always find myself fighting back the urge to text him to come meet me just for that 5 minutes, because well, for one, he is really busy and is always running all over SG during work hours, resulting in him having to OT in order to complete his BAU for the day. Sounds like a role reversal now eh? Second, our offices are at different exits. I feel that it doesn't make sense for him to walk that long stretch of underpass while fighting the crowds of people just to see me for that 5 minutes, not when he has shit to clear as well.

It is during these times that I feel like calling it quits, which is why I am quite insistent on ignoring his messages or not meeting him until I feel the rage in me subside a few days later, because I really, really need to keep my mouth shut. If I meet him, I may irrationally spew all sorts of nasty things, all my grievances, and to tell him to let me go, because I just really can't take this any longer. To me, he may be there physically but never quite emotionally, 'cos he's mostly fixated on his work.

I'm very well aware that he didn't ask for this, and that it is not his fault at all. Shit just happens when you're working in one of the largest organisations in SG, but how long can I wait to have his attention fully diverted to me, before I really walk away for good?

What am I staying for then, because God knows how long he needs to fix the problems in his current company??

Can I really foresee myself spending lonely nights waiting for a husband who regularly comes home after 9 pm, watch him eat dinner (if any lol) and KO for the night, and has to travel for work at least 6 times a year?

I haven't brought all these up to him, and I don't think I'll find the heart to bring this up when my PMS passes. For these few years, such thoughts have regularly been in my mind, so it felt really liberating to just vomit everything here since he doesn't know of this blog. Funny how I can rant here but not in his face, and funny how PMS forces me to revisit my insecurities and my worries. And funny, how it forces me to articulate them through this medium.

Sigh, may I continue to find the strength to support him in whatever he does.

And above of that, I need to be reminded of how well he has treated me so far, so much so that sometimes I feel that I don't deserve him at all. ;(

PMS is such a bitch.