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This has not been a very good start of the year. My mama (grandma) suddenly got ill over New Year's eve and is now fighting for her life. Aunt called me on my phone at around 1 am and I haven't been able to sleep ever since. How did things escalate so quickly? We last saw her on the 30th and I did think that she looked a bit tired but nothing really out of sorts. She vomited blood on 31st but after that things seemed under control until my aunt called.

Now I dread every phone call. It just puts me on tenterhooks.

I got another phone call. Her condition is deteriorating too quickly for me to even comprehend.

We're off to the hospital now.

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It's over. She is now dwelling in the House of the Lord forever. How she just managed to go like that is beyond me. Earlier on in the morning I saw tubes being poked through everywhere while my aunts, uncles and dad were reciting Bible verses and just telling her to go. It was such a painful moment for me. How can someone who seemingly looked so healthy just go like that in two days?

My dad called back to Hong Kong and broke the news to Aunt Mui when we couldn't get hold of Aunt Lai. I could totally hear Aunt Mui's shocked voice over the phone. Of course, who wouldn't be shocked? They have just last seen her in HK a week back. And she was seemingly healthy too. She was seemingly more mobile and healthier than kau gong, who has to rely on a walking stick for movements and could only take small little steps at a time after suffering from repeated strokes. She was even seemingly healthier than my por por, who has known heart problems after a transplant. Yet she went even earlier than them. The doctors don't even have a clue as to what triggered those bloody vomiting.

I didn't know how to react when I got a call from my dad in the middle of having lunch with my friends (I'm really sorry for pangseh-ing you all) telling me and my sister to rush to the hospital quickly. I didn't know how to react when my aunts told us that we were too late. I didn't know how to react when we were brought into the room with the life support machines all switched off. I didn't know how to react when I saw the words "do not resuscitate" on the whiteboard next to her bed. I didn't know how to react when I saw blood stains on the bedsheet. She must have puked blood again before her heart stopped beating, as it already had for 20 minutes earlier on, in the wee hours of the morning. I didn't even see her conscious before she left. I was told that she was very alert and seemed to be getting better on New Year. She could even walk by herself normally, without any assistance. Why didn't I visit her yesterday? I was just in a daze as I tried to make sense of everything which has happened for the past two days.

Then when my dad came into the room and cried, it was just such a heart-wrenching scene. I cried too. I can't take it when my dad cries, because I really haven't seen him cry before. Yeye passed away nearly 10 years back, so I couldn't really remember if he did cry back then, but he definitely did not cry in recent memory. Mama had relied heavily on him. We lived the nearest to Aunt and Mama, so we were also the ones who went back for dinner the most number of times. No more Mama to cook dinner for us, no more soups, and no more naggings. Aunt must be feeling really terrible since she has lived with Mama literally her whole life. She has it harder than anybody else. She even told me personally just now during the wake that she totally didn't see this coming at all. All of us didn't expect this to be honest.

I am still half-expecting Mama to suddenly call and tell us to go back for dinner. But will there still be such a call? I am still half-expecting Mama to call and look for my dad, but I guess such calls won't come anymore. I am still half-expecting Mama to call and ask whether I have eaten or not, but I know I'll never hear her voice again.

These past two days are just passing by in a blur. I don't even know what's going on anymore. Am I living real life, or is this all just a bad nightmare?

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