今年嘅新年唔似新年

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今日係除夕,亦都係嫲嫲過咗身之後我第一次返佢屋企。其實屋企咩都冇變。唯一變咗嘅係佢已經唔喺度。真係好唔習慣,亦都有啲傷感,因為上個月我仲喺呢個屋企食過晚餐,而且係佢親手幫我哋煮嘅餸。嗰時佢仲喺度。

今日再返嚟,一齊都變晒。佢已經唔喺度。唯一一個佢曾經住喺呢度嘅痕跡就係擺喺桌上面嘅相。係靈堂用嘅相。睇咗之後我又忍唔住喊咗。我仲聽得到佢把聲。我仲可以喺廚房睇佢忙碌嘅身影。但呢一切都永遠唔會再發生。

今日我都發現一個嘢。我以為我已經OK咗,但其實一直以來我仲未接受呢個事實。

因為佢真係走得好突然。

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

- Lamentations 3:21-23

Thank you God for giving us strength to pull through this difficult period as a family. I know You'll keep her safe, and till we meet again.

One week...

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Today marks the first week since everything ended. You know, life still goes on for the rest of us, but knowing how to move on without a person whom you have grown up with is indeed very hard.

My mind do sometimes wander back to what had happened a week ago. Everything seemed so surreal. It feels as though I don't see mama just because I haven't gone back for dinner, not because she really isn't here anymore. I haven't plucked up the courage to go back because I'll be reminded of how she isn't here anymore; how I won't get to eat nice home-cooked dinner anymore; and how I won't get to hear her voice anymore. I don't think I'll be able to take it. I'll have to face it sooner or later, but just not now.

I've been meeting up with friends. I went to eat hawker food with Girly a few days back at Bukit Timah Food Centre. You know, when you have really good company, eating even the most ordinary food at the most ordinary place is a blessing to have and a blessing I've had. Here's to many, many, many more years of friendship! And thank you for the gifts from Korea. I really love love them! ^^

Life is slowly returning back to normal for us I guess... And the new 7 pm Korean drama on Channel U is really making me laugh loads. I'll blog about Twinkle Twinkle when I have more time, but for now, this will be it.

The end?

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All things seem to have been pre-destined.

What happened if Mama didn't go to HK for the one last time to meet her brother and the relatives?

What happened if my dad didn't even suggest going to HK in the first place? My Mama wouldn't have even gone there if my dad didn't suggest going at all.

What happened if I went ahead for my 1-month exchange to Korea, of which I'd only return on the 17th? My mum initially agreed to let me go but I decided not to sign up for it in the end 'cos I had harboured thoughts of staying there longer after my graduation.

What happened if Mama didn't get to see Jiang and Nicole get married?

What made me and my sis suddenly want to take pictures with Mama during Jiang's wedding?

They all pointed to one thing: she was going. But we all just didn't know.

='(

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This has not been a very good start of the year. My mama (grandma) suddenly got ill over New Year's eve and is now fighting for her life. Aunt called me on my phone at around 1 am and I haven't been able to sleep ever since. How did things escalate so quickly? We last saw her on the 30th and I did think that she looked a bit tired but nothing really out of sorts. She vomited blood on 31st but after that things seemed under control until my aunt called.

Now I dread every phone call. It just puts me on tenterhooks.

I got another phone call. Her condition is deteriorating too quickly for me to even comprehend.

We're off to the hospital now.

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It's over. She is now dwelling in the House of the Lord forever. How she just managed to go like that is beyond me. Earlier on in the morning I saw tubes being poked through everywhere while my aunts, uncles and dad were reciting Bible verses and just telling her to go. It was such a painful moment for me. How can someone who seemingly looked so healthy just go like that in two days?

My dad called back to Hong Kong and broke the news to Aunt Mui when we couldn't get hold of Aunt Lai. I could totally hear Aunt Mui's shocked voice over the phone. Of course, who wouldn't be shocked? They have just last seen her in HK a week back. And she was seemingly healthy too. She was seemingly more mobile and healthier than kau gong, who has to rely on a walking stick for movements and could only take small little steps at a time after suffering from repeated strokes. She was even seemingly healthier than my por por, who has known heart problems after a transplant. Yet she went even earlier than them. The doctors don't even have a clue as to what triggered those bloody vomiting.

I didn't know how to react when I got a call from my dad in the middle of having lunch with my friends (I'm really sorry for pangseh-ing you all) telling me and my sister to rush to the hospital quickly. I didn't know how to react when my aunts told us that we were too late. I didn't know how to react when we were brought into the room with the life support machines all switched off. I didn't know how to react when I saw the words "do not resuscitate" on the whiteboard next to her bed. I didn't know how to react when I saw blood stains on the bedsheet. She must have puked blood again before her heart stopped beating, as it already had for 20 minutes earlier on, in the wee hours of the morning. I didn't even see her conscious before she left. I was told that she was very alert and seemed to be getting better on New Year. She could even walk by herself normally, without any assistance. Why didn't I visit her yesterday? I was just in a daze as I tried to make sense of everything which has happened for the past two days.

Then when my dad came into the room and cried, it was just such a heart-wrenching scene. I cried too. I can't take it when my dad cries, because I really haven't seen him cry before. Yeye passed away nearly 10 years back, so I couldn't really remember if he did cry back then, but he definitely did not cry in recent memory. Mama had relied heavily on him. We lived the nearest to Aunt and Mama, so we were also the ones who went back for dinner the most number of times. No more Mama to cook dinner for us, no more soups, and no more naggings. Aunt must be feeling really terrible since she has lived with Mama literally her whole life. She has it harder than anybody else. She even told me personally just now during the wake that she totally didn't see this coming at all. All of us didn't expect this to be honest.

I am still half-expecting Mama to suddenly call and tell us to go back for dinner. But will there still be such a call? I am still half-expecting Mama to call and look for my dad, but I guess such calls won't come anymore. I am still half-expecting Mama to call and ask whether I have eaten or not, but I know I'll never hear her voice again.

These past two days are just passing by in a blur. I don't even know what's going on anymore. Am I living real life, or is this all just a bad nightmare?

초심

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I was rewatching Tree with Deep Roots (TWDR) a few days back, this time together with my mum. Then I looked back on what spurred me on to pick up an entirely new language, paying for the school fees and travelling to one of the richest districts in Singapore for lessons. It was this very drama. I picked up Korean by myself back in secondary school, but that was all. I learnt how to read and write but not understand. Dae Jang Geum did really get me interested in Korean culture and whatnot, but I did not feel the urge to pick up Korean seriously.

Then all that changed when I first watched TWDR in 2012. I was not contented with just knowing how to read and write. TWDR was the very drama that triggered my 초심. As the characters in the drama never once forgot their 초심 and worked tirelessly towards their goals, I, too, will also hope that I'll never ever forget my 초심. C won't be able to go anymore, and I'll have one less friend going with me. In fact, if A is not able to go, I'll have to go by myself. The thought itself is really very scary, and it'll be potentially lonely, especially in a place where I don't know anybody at all. My decision to go was shaken, but thinking of my 초심 makes me even more determined to go there.

맨디야, 네 초심. 꼭 잊지 마세요.

2014 is finally here. This year will be a watershed year for me. This year will be my very last year in university and my very last year in mainstream education before I go to work. I don't have the habit of having New Year resolutions, but since it'll be my last year in education, here goes.

1) Maintain my second uppers and try to aim for first (a bit impossible since it's my last semester already lol...)
2) Strike off something in my bucket list. It's there for a reason
3) Be more sociable lol. Stop being so cold and cynical of everybody who tries to be nice to me.
4) To make more friends. Not from university but other places.
5) Be more daring and learn to speak out my mind.

Hola 2014! 새해 복 많이 많이 많이 받으세요!