What is life?

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My Audit Whatsapp group is really huge. In fact, it's only 8 people shy of hitting the limit for group chats. That group is really super active and while I used to chat in there occasionally, I have now stopped and just looked through the conversations going on between other members in the group. We don't just chat about Audit (in fact we rarely do LOL), but about other things in life as well. And this is where I feel irrelevant, inexperienced and insignificant.

The reason why I stopped chatting in there is because I feel like I am not able to contribute much to the ongoing conversations between the other few active members, for I have not personally experienced anything they have experienced. But I appreciate the fact that I'm inside, because I learn from their mistakes and try to make sure I won't do commit it should such things ever happen to me. I think I did make a post about me still not being able to 'grow up' a few months back, and I still feel the same way. People in the chat are around the same age as me, some perhaps maybe 3, 4, 5 years older, but I feel that everybody in there (the active ones who always join in convos) are already way ahead of me in terms of thinking, mentality and outlooks in life. How is it possible that people who are around my age are already so ahead from me in terms of mindsets?

Then there was this part about getting to know more people to date/hookup. There's this guy who is my lecture-mate, whom I now kind of regretted knowing. There is this very vocal guy in a class (won't mention it) who always asks and answers questions that our lecturer would ask. Most people find him irritating, me included, but I don't deny that he asks pretty sensible questions at times. My lecture-mate hates him to the core, and will always make those teeth-sucking noises whenever he speaks. At first I was mildly irritated (since he sits next to me all the time zZz) but now whenever that guy voices his opinions, he will just continue making those teeth-sucking noises. I swore I got pretty mad and repulsed, so I tried to keep my distance away from him in the end, though he is still my lecture-mate (no choice). He is also always asking me personal questions and telling me what to do, like, "Eeyer, why you support XXX. Support XXX lah!" Like NO, you don't do this to me. I have already judged him like !@#$%^.

I shall admit that I am a very judgemental person. First impressions count a lot for me, be it looks or mannerisms. I already start judging people from the time they meet my eyes, and this makes me a very picky person. I've been told that I am pretty cold towards people, but why should I warm up to you if I don't know you very well? I wasn't like that in the past, but now, I have realised the importance of ridding myself of unwanted attention. Why should I have people who treat me like a door-mat as and when they like in my life? Hell no. I will never allow this. I find myself not being able to sustain a conversation for long because I lose interest quite easily. In the case of the guy friends I meet in lectures, a few lectures. That's why I feel that I won't be able to get married. Maybe it's karma lol. I judge people too much that's why people also start judging me. Being distant is perhaps why I don't know as many people as I would have liked. It's pretty contradictory if you ask me. I want to be friendlier, yet I don't want/need unwanted people in my life. I shall aim to change this aspect of myself - be less judgemental, be more receptive to other people around me and stop thinking the worst of everybody.

Anyway, the first snow fell in Seoul today. I saw eatyourkimchi's Instagram video and what a beautiful sight it really was. Cheot nooni neomu yebbeoneyo! I wish I'll get to marvel in such sights a year from now. The wait is pretty brutal, but ever since I have announced my plans to my classmates, I've been getting quite a number of tips and advices from them as they had been there for studies/exchanges before. I am really thankful and I'll miss you people very much. Gamsadeurimnida!

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