Growing up


It's been awhile since I last blogged. Exams were done some time ago. I think the papers this year were alright, but I'm not sure whether I can get my A or not. I made quite a lot of stupid mistakes. I guess the most disastrous paper was still my weakest subject, Microecons. I just hope to do decently for it, which means I need the rest of my subjects to get A in order to stand a chance for FCH, if not I'll HAVE to get all As for my third-year modules, which is pretty much close to impossible. ._.

Anyway, the purpose of this post is not to rant about exams, but rather to reflect on myself? I don't know, but I'm super reliant on my parents, to the extent that I can't imagine a day without them. It goes beyond living off them. I know they will leave me one day (unless I go before them) and the thought of it just scares me so much. I just can't imagine life without my parents. That, is just too remote for me. I don't know if I'm termed as a "mummy's girl" or "daddy's girl" because such terms usually have a derogatory meaning to them, but before I do anything "big" or "important", I will always make sure I tell them. I know of friends who usually do things without asking/telling their parents. I don't know, but it makes me feel that they're more independent. I know of friends who don't care about what their parents think and just go ahead with their plans, but I can't do that. It makes me feel that they have aged ahead of me.

I've watched my friends around me grow up into adults before my very eyes, but I can't seem to find myself growing up. Friends have all grown prettier, more handsome and they look like they're having the time of their lives. Me? I just sitting down here, looking and listening to what they have been doing. And then I look at myself and ask: What have I been doing? o.O''' Friends are now driving cars, going to clubs, going on overseas trips with their boyfriends/girlfriends (two people alone; my parents will never allow this), organising lavish birthday parties and having staycations at 5-star hotels/beach resorts (especially prevalent now 'cos most of us are now 21, which marks the start of adulthood). Me? I'm just sitting down here looking at the world go by, watching my friends having the time of their lives. No, I don't envy my friends for having such a life. I just... feel that we're not of the same age anymore.

I know people of my age who are already married and pregnant. I know of friends who are already intending to get married. I know of friends who have already "been there, done that". I mean, they have already planned for their future. Me? I'm just walking aimlessly. I'm just like a leaf, landing wherever the wind blows me to.

When I was growing up, I had always wanted to grow up sooner and be an adult so that I can make my own decision. As I grew up, I realised that growing up is not as fun/carefree/unrestricted as I thought it'd be. I can't say that I've grown up because I really don't feel that I've grown up, especially when looking at what my friends are doing. Is it because I can't grow up or I don't want to grow up?

I think I should start worrying for myself. =X


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