Am I becoming more anti-social as time goes by? I feel that I don't make friends as easily as I used to back in my secondary school days. I could just strike up a conversation with strangers (given the fact that we'll be CCA mates/classmates for dunno-how-many years, it's better to be friends right?) and we'd become friends soon after.

A few new people have joined my class. As much as I want to make friends with them, I can't bring myself to talk to them without feeling a sense of hostility towards them. WHY?! My class survived well with 9 people. Because there were only 9 people, it was really very easy for us to bond and talk due to our one common love for a country. We went out for lunches, dinners and complained about everything under the sun. I don't feel comfortable when somebody tries to cosy up to us and tries to be a part of us. When random strangers (not those perverted people) smile at me I just stare at them as if they're crazy or wonder if they know me and I've forgotten them. When I try to smile back, I think I do scare off many people when my smile ends up looking like a scowl or a smirk. I have no surprise as to why my smile turns up like that 'cos I don't feel the need to smile LOL.

People have said that I'm a nice person to be out with as I'm funny and cute. But I don't think I'm friendly. Maybe I was, but not now. I'm especially myself when I can talk to a person for as long as we both want to without feeling that the conversation is dying or going nowhere. Now when I go to school, unless somebody talks to me, I won't even bother talking to the person sitting next to me during lectures. I wasn't like that in the past. I used to take the initiative to let people warm up to me.

I think as time goes, I don't really feel the need to have as many friends. My closest friends were made in secondary school, which is why I don't see the need to keep in touch with my primary school friends, except maybe via Facebook. To be honest, I don't even message or wish them a "Happy Birthday!" at all. I just stalk and see what they're up to. Same goes for majority of my friends on Facebook. I only bother to meet up with people who really deserve my time.

As for some friends whom I felt really close to the last time, I don't really feel the need to talk to them anymore. I'm not sure, but I guess we all now have different priorities in life, so I guess that's why we don't talk as much (that's if we do even talk). I even feel a sense of hostility towards them. I have the urge to unfollow them on Twitter or unfriend them on Facebook since I don't feel the familiar connection between us anymore that made us friends in the first place. I have really thought of doing that, but then again, I'm afraid of offending them, especially if they don't feel the way I do. It'll make me feel bad for thinking this way.

Since I've left school in 2010, I've met many of my ex-schoolmates/classmates etc. Singapore isn't a very big place to begin with, so the odds of bumping into someone you know is actually extremely high. Unless that person is someone whom I'm really close to (i.e. I know what to say when I see him/her, I really want to catch up with them etc.), I'd just stare at the person as if they're just people getting to their destinations if they happen to lock eyes with me. If I see someone I know from afar, I'd probably just let the person go first and then continue on my way instead of engaging in awkward conversations that neither of us wish to participate in. Or maybe hurry my way through and look extremely flustered so that the person won't bother me.

Have I become more anti-social? I think I have. I don't think anything triggered this change in me, but it is just a sudden realisation that I can make do with just a few people. I do reminisce the great times I had with my friends, but it's over now. I think this is just part of growing up.


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